Sunday, September 3, 2017, 6 am
Nikita’s Parents’ Residence

On Sunday, I got up and immediately went on a long walk.  It was still crisp outside but it was supposed to be warm today, likely near 80 degrees.  I prefer to exercise when it’s not too hot out, so I made a point of going out early that morning.  Dressed in my favorite tie-dye t-shirt, well-worn Lululemon leggings and new Hokas, I spent almost 2 hours wandering around neighborhoods. I was doing my best to keep moving, stay away from my parents’ house, and avoid obsessing about my life.  I wanted to be distracted by passing people, passing cars, and observing nature.

I put my mind toward positive thoughts, like Ben’s upcoming local game. I felt overwhelming pride, thinking about watching his game today.  I always marveled at how good he was.  I thought back to when he was young, just starting out and how hard he tried. Even at a young age, Ben had dedication and perseverance. He put his whole heart into his play, and I saw that. Watching him play was a beautiful thing.

Our family life had always been intertwined with the kids’ sports and schools.  Ben, Alex, Wayne and I were always together.  While other families were off exploring foreign countries, or climbing Half Dome, the Kerr’s would spend family vacations on the field in various states, watching our children play their sports and supporting their dreams.  Being our oldest, Ben was the first to attend college and the first to play college sports. This was his second year playing football after a stellar freshman year.  His freshman year he was Athlete of the Year, he was top of the leader board in playing time, he was D1 All Conference Freshman and part of the overall Top Athletes Honorable Mention in his college conference. Ben had all this success while working towards a STEM academic degree.  It’s hard to articulate the breadth and depth of pride that we have for Ben.

As a couple, Wayne and I had our differences, but as parents we were in lock step.  Where we were our best, where our teamwork was the strongest, where we were always in agreement, and where we put all our focus and pride—was in our children.  We were so much in synch that it was like having ESP. We knew what the other one would say or do.

Ben and I were close. We could talk about anything, and nothing, as well.  We were comfortable just sitting in silence or watching TV. Ben always knew that I would say yes, tend to his every need. Most people say Ben is the spitting image of me.  He is physically built like me (lean, long limbs, and beautiful hands), same skin tone, and he even has a fondness for long hair. He is a deep thinker and prefers to remain introspect. Yet when he does speak, his words are powerful and intentional.

In a strange way, I see Ben as the result of one reason that Wayne and I found each other.  For instance, Wayne has the gift of expression, writing beautiful words, always knowing what to say.  I am the thinker. What Wayne and I individually lack is complemented by the other. Ben is like me.  His strength is in his critical thinking and communication through action.

Wayne and I made a point of attending Ben’s home games or travelling to his away games, as much as we could.  My parents watched all of our children’s activities, and traveled with us as well.  In fact, I’d have to say that one of the reasons Ben was able to be so successful in sports and make it to the college level was due to my parent’s involvement. While we worked my parents’ helped by driving our children to activities and sports training.  This enabled the kids to stay involved in sports and to get on better teams with better coaches.  My parents helped fund quite a bit of our travel as well.  Going with us to every travel game, hotels became expensive, and they would offer to pay for our room.  Wayne and I always accepted that graciously, knowing that they enjoyed the time spent with their grandchildren and “treating” us.  As we did all the driving and paid for gas, it was their way of contributing on the trip as well as thanking us for things we did for them on a daily basis.

I returned to the house to find Agatha showered and dressed. She was very agitated, with a sense of urgency, as she walked quickly around the house, frantically looking around for her things.  She appeared to be in a hurry to pack up.

“Agatha, what’s wrong?” I asked.

“I have to get home. Linus called and he didn’t sound good. He said he was having trouble breathing.  Maybe it’s a heart attack.  He’s going to the hospital and I need to get there.”

At the time I thought it was weird timing. Maybe she was acting.  Maybe he wasn’t ill, but she needed an out to leave, without looking bad at leaving me.  Of course, I didn’t want him to be ill, but I couldn’t help but be relieved that she had a reason to leave.   I started to help gather her things and organize them in her bags.

“You’re doing the right thing. You need to be with your husband to take care of him”, I said.

I wouldn’t usually think anything of this.  My sisters and I have had our disagreements over the years. Some spats last longer than others, and sometimes sisters choose sides, but I’ve always known they’d have my back when I needed them.  I wasn’t surprised that they would come to town to support me.  As much as I didn’t want them under these circumstances, I was happy to see them. But with so many odd things happening in my life lately, I couldn’t help but think there was something more to this.  I just didn’t believe her.  But I was happy everyone was leaving me to myself.

I thought my sisters leaving would get them out of my business, but I was wrong.  Even out of town, they continued to meddle through the phone.  I started to see a pattern in their behavior. They divided responsibilities amongst themselves.  My sister Scarlett dealt with mom and dad directly, while Agatha would talk with Wayne. Scarlett would call our parents daily and get information about how I was doing. She’d then debrief Agatha. Agatha, in turn, would share the info she gathered from Wayne.

I was surprised by the partnerships, considering Agatha was still resentful toward Wayne.  Years ago our children were together and an incident happened that caused Agatha and Wayne to get into a heated argument regarding the children.  Linus and I were there as well.  I had to step in to the middle and calm the situation. I was able to talk Agatha down.  Agatha never forgave Wayne for things that were said.  In fact, she wrote letters to us for some time afterward expressing her views and animosity.  I read the letters but never shared them with Wayne because I wanted to protect him from her angry words.  He didn’t know that she was still angry about the incident. While she remained resentful, she had come to tolerate Wayne at family gatherings.  When they were in the same room, she was careful around him, but he was oblivious to it.

I was not pleased to have my sisters meddling in my life or getting information through my parents and husband, instead of me directly. I even told my parents to keep my information to themselves. I know they tried to respect my privacy, but it wasn’t easy.

It wasn’t a stretch to say that my sisters would insert themselves into parts of my life if they were worried about me.  Like the time they thought Wayne was having an affair.  Wayne was working late quite a bit. My sisters had some reasons for wondering if he was being honest.  They asked my parents to drive by his work and see if his car was in the lot.  Once, they saw him talking to a woman in a car parked next to him. This was the evidence they were apparently looking for.  Scarlett was given the task of breaking the bad news to me.  I was shocked of course, but skeptical.  Ironically, I knew the woman who they saw in the parking lot, and she wasn’t his side piece, if he even had one.  You could say my family was protective, but I call it meddling.

I told Wayne not to take calls from my sisters, knowing how they could get involved in my life.  He asked why, of course.  I told him that I trusted few people, just him, the kids, and my parents. He never knew about their spying.

Wayne was an integral part of my broader family. He seemed angry at my situation and was pushing everyone away. I thought it was anger at me, but there was more at play. Wayne wasn’t close with his own family, having disowned them shortly after college.  His ties with Agatha weren’t sentimental. Perhaps the two of them were just trying to find ways to stay connected during my crisis, but I wondered if there wasn’t more to it, given how odd it seemed.

Sunday, September 3, 2017, 10 am
Nikita’s Parents’ Residence

Ben’s game was today.  I was looking forward to seeing him and showing him that I was doing okay, but I was ambivalent about going to the game.  On one hand, I really wanted to see my son and support him by watching his game. On the other hand, I didn’t want to face people I knew at the game.

When Wayne called me, I thought he wanted to make plans for Ben’s game today.  Instead, he said I wasn’t allowed to go with him to the game.   I didn’t even notice his dictate.  I was disappointed that he didn’t want me and that I wouldn’t see Ben.   Wayne had been distant and standoffish.  It wasn’t clear if he was pushing me off again or trying to avoid me.  I wanted to think that he was concerned about my well-being and that this was his way of showing he cared, by having me stay home to rest.  But I worried that maybe he was embarrassed. Having a crazy wife would ruin the image he liked to maintain.  Especially if he thought I might flip out at the game.

I agreed to do as he suggested, staying home to watch the streamed game with dad, while Wayne took my mom to the game.  My dad wasn’t well enough to go to the game, so I consoled myself with taking care of him.

As this was football season, I hadn’t seen or heard from Ben in a while.  As a college football player, Ben needed to be focused on academics and athletics. During football season, Ben’s life is full. He’s practicing, missing classes, traveling to games, and doing school work on the road.  Wayne and I don’t hear from Ben much during the season unless it’s urgent, related to needing money, or he has a good break to catch up with family.  We usually had small windows of time to catch up after his games, if the coaches released him after dinner. This was the level of dedication and commitment required to play at the college level, and we all accepted it.

I had asked Wayne, my parents and my sisters if Ben knew what was going on, and everyone told me that it’s being taken care of.  That I shouldn’t worry about everyone else, that I needed to focus on getting better.  Wayne had always been dedicated to the kids’ sports, so he knew that Ben needed to be in top form for his game.  He knew that Ben didn’t need any distractions and a crazy mom could be a big distraction. So he probably hadn’t mentioned the long weekend to Ben yet.

When she returned, my mother gave me the download from Ben’s game.  Wayne made a point of telling my mom that he wanted a private conversation with his son. She mentioned that Wayne took Ben aside after the game.  Mom had no idea what he told Ben, as Wayne wasn’t talking much.  Wayne also had a private conversation with the coach.

I expected Wayne to talk with Ben about my health after the game.   I hoped that he told Ben in a gentle way and relayed a positive outlook. Perhaps relaying that I’d been behaving differently but that I was getting better. Not that I’d be psychotic or schizophrenic soon.  I assumed that he saw my rational behavior and ability to function as almost my normal self.  (I wasn’t at all like he described on my hospital intake forms.)  Surely everyone saw that I wasn’t crazy.   Knowing Wayne, he’d be sure to tell Ben not to worry, that my health was not his responsibility and that Ben should stay focused on academics, athletics and his own life.

Wayne was a good father. He would check in with Ben’s coach to see how Ben was playing, and hear what Ben needed to work on.  Wayne would think the coach needed to know what was going on in Ben’s family, but he’d probably manage the narrative. Image was important to Wayne, he liked to control the perception of our family to coaches.  He liked to come off as a good, strong father figure. Boys do need a good man as a role model as they grow up.

As regular attendees of Ben’s home games we had a circle of parents that we were cordial with. My absence would have been obvious to other regulars, like us.  But this was a local game, so the usual parents were there as well as family friends to see Ben play.  Later, I was told that people noticed my absence and asked Wayne about it. I had told several friends that I would be at the game.  I’m sure they were shocked that I was absent.  It’s not clear how much Wayne was protecting my privacy at this point.  I just hope that he didn’t use terms like crazy, loony bin, mental hospital, psychotic or something similar, when ‘not feeling well’ would suffice.

Photo by Zami on Unsplash

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