If you looked up the word commitment in the dictionary you would find it described as a pledge to give your time and energy to a cause or person — dedicating yourself. The most common use of “commitment” refers to that of marriage. Traditional marriage vows include words that frame the level of commitment expected in marriage:

“for better or worse”, “for richer or poorer”, “in sickness and in health”, “to love and to cherish”, and “till death do us part”.

Few people make a commitment to something or someone as solemn and binding and completely as they do with marriage vows. Marriage, a commitment to one person for life isn’t easy. The divorce rate bears this out with nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce. The US Census Bureau reports that over the last 10 years marriage and divorce rates have dropped. (https://www.census.gov/library/visualizations/interactive/marriage-divorce-rates-by-state.html). But cohabitation rates are increasing.

Many perceive cohabitation as a “dry run” for marriage, or a solution for people who aren’t ready for marriage. There are many reasons why people cohabitate, but for those thinking it could be a stepping stone to marriage, the odds of success are less than those that cohabitate after they get engaged and/or married. The likelihood of cohabitors breaking up is 49 percent within 5 years. After 10 years, the likelihood is 62 percent for cohabitation. And, studies find that in cohabitating couples men are less dedicated to the relationship than the women. Overall, cohabitors prior to engagement and marriage score much lower on all areas of marriage. After all, cohabitation makes it easier to leave when things aren’t going well, no legal matters, no name change, no financial division, etc. Bottom line, people behave differently when they know their futures are tied together permanently, as in marriage.

Getting married doesn’t come with guarantees that you’ll stay together either. The fact is that half of all marriages end in divorce with the top cited reason for divorce being a “lack of commitment”. In fact 73% cited that as the biggest reason for their divorce, according to a national survey.

How is it that people “lose” their commitment over time? Do you wake up one day and discover that your happily ever after never came? Do you slip out of love? After dating, engagements, planning a wedding, the daily living together is routine. Sometimes people stop doing all the special things they did while engaged and dating because they’re married and don’t need to try so hard. They look at the marriage as the goal. Once achieved, they don’t think much about the next steps in maintaining that commitment for life and what it takes.

The fact is that couples spend more time thinking about and planning their weddings, one day in the lives, than they do considering the permanence and intentions of their vows, or every day of their lives. Saying “Until death do we part” is relatively easy during a ceremony as you look forward to the future together and a reception of people waiting. I believe couples start out intending to follow through on their commitment, unfortunately divorce statistics prove that half don’t have the wherewithal to stick it out. Many focus too much on the wedding and marriage and less on the lifetime commitment. They are excited to commit to one person and join their lives together, but too often people are still focused on themselves and what they want or need. Yet, when you commit to each other it should be a relationship more along the lines of mother and child, in that the mother does everything for the child’s welfare, no thought of anything in return, just loving the child and doing the best for it. In the end, actions speak louder than words.

For some, the excitement of marriage delays the realization that they no longer have choices. Rather than thinking about marriage as a trap and your spouse an anchor consider that marriage simplifies your life by limiting the choices you have to one — the one you made. By deciding to commit, you’ve made a choice, you’ve limited your distractions in life to one option, your spouse, and to dedicate yourself to the person you chose. When couples focus on the process of commitment and not the goal of marriage, it deepens the commitment. While you may promise your commitment once in a ceremony, it has to last forever. To make it work, couples must dedicate themselves to the ongoing process of commitment and yet many do not, to their detriment.

Successfully committed relationships should be about caring and sharing everything. Once you’re married you are now a “We” and no longer an “I”. You commit to spend your life with the best person for you, and to do this you need to know that you both have the same mindset of not leaving. That this is a permanent decision. Your married life should hopefully be very long. By focusing on the process of being committed you’re more likely to have a happy future. Spending every day thinking about the process of commitment will provide you the means for success.

Some of the ways you can focus on the process of commitment include:

• Treat each other with respect and find compromises
• Talk about the permanence of your life together and build a vision for your life
• Examine your childhood and understanding of marriage and align expectations
• Consider your words. Don’t say things you will regret, always be sensitive
• Establish patterns of commitment. Talk in terms of “We”, talk positively about each other, establish with others that you’re a pair, relive your history with photos and memories, renew vows, celebrate important moments and anniversaries
• Spend time with other couples that have similar strength of commitment
• Be there for each other in times of crisis
• Trust each other and gain confidence in knowing the other won’t leave
• Continue to show love and affection for each other
• Practice forgiveness
• Learn to manage conflicts
• Communicate your best, but show your true intentions through your actions

We make the promise necessary to achieve our goal of “Til death do us part”, but we skip the process and steps required to ensure we cross that finish line. If more people focused on the means to get there, they’d be more successful, according to Mel Schwartz, Psychology Today. By investing time into the process of building and continuing their commitment couples are much more likely to create satisfaction, security and belonging that will carry them through to “till death do us part”. You’ll never know how good it can be if you don’t stay long enough to see it through.

Read more:

Dr. Scott Stanley, Research Professor, https://slidingvdeciding.blogspot.com

Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera, Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success (book avail on Amazon.com)

Photo by Suzy Turbenson on Unsplash

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Nikita@dontreleaseme.com