Freedom at 18

When my daughter approached her 18th birthday she was excited by the turning of a page in her life. Now she could do anything she wanted (or so she thought).  No longer could her parents tell her what to do (or so she thought).  And it’s true, turning 18 comes with a long list of new abilities: voting, getting married, gambling, getting sued, donating blood, getting a credit card, adopting, buying pornography, spray paint and lottery tickets, getting a tattoo or piercing, getting jury duty, enlisting, and the list goes on.  Clearly some are more exciting than others.

But Are They Ready? 

What really constitutes being an “adult”?  Some would say physical maturity. Their bodies may be fully formed, except for that important frontal cortex that balances our logical reasoning with our impulse controls. That isn’t fully formed until as late as 25 years of age. Some might say mental maturity, but that varies much by experience and parenting.  Some say adulthood is marked by marriage, children, intimacy and work.  Others define it in terms of psychological, social, economic independence, sense of individual identity, autonomy, and self-support.  Adults after all take responsibility for themselves, make independent decisions, and are financially independent.  Legally, we define that to be at the age of 18.

At the age of 18 is an adult ready for all the responsibilities that are available to them?  Do we just set our youth loose upon the world, acknowledging that they are now fully formed and capable?  Historically the age of youth leaving the home and establishing their own household has varied greatly and depends on ethnicity, gender, and class.  After World War II, in the 50s and 60s, men struck out on their own soon after 18.  Women too were generally getting married and having children earlier.  Today, the story is different, with men and women waiting until their 30’s to wed or have children.

How Our Role Changes

Parenting too plays a big role in whether a person is ready to take on the responsibilities of adulthood.  Whether your child is ready in your view or not, the fact is that parenting will change as your child reaches the age of majority.  They are now in charge of their lives and you can no longer direct them, legally.  That is to say that your parenting doesn’t end at 18, or shouldn’t, but it does need to change.  No longer the director, you move into more of a supporting role in their lives.  Parents at this point should be mostly hands off and merely provide mentoring and emotional support, while still being a sounding board and cheerleader.  You’ve had 18 years to prepare them for this moment, so they are as fully formed as they will be. At this point your job is to be a consultant, not a supervisor.

For many this is a hard transition. For those who have children going to college, the empty nest is very difficult.  For others who have children at home, it’s difficult for parents and children to make the transition to independence, without enabling.  No longer do you do more than 49% of anything for them.  They must integrate their responsibilities into their daily lives. They need to be in charge of their decisions and their failures.  Too often as parents, especially helicopter parenting in recent generations, failure is seen as a horrible fate for a child.  In truth, failure makes kids more resilient and able to bounce back.  Failing when the consequences aren’t severe, when you have parents around to support you, provides you with the learning of your actions, discovery of solutions, recovery, gained self-respect and confidence, while having a small impact on your life overall.  If your first failure is getting fired at 35 when you have a family, the failure is devastating and has serious consequences.  Some adults might not recover. Yet the young student, having experienced failure, isn’t as traumatized and can maintain a positive outlook.

For parents, this is a new mindset and these changes are as difficult for children as they are for parents.  We need to consciously back off.  We need to treat them with the respect we always should, but now we adjust to treating them more like a fellow adult.  Our conversations should change from “should” to “would”. From “You should do this or that” to “How would you solve that?” or “What would you do?”. This small change to your language will encourage ownership by your adult child. Not only does this grow understanding between parent and child, it also creates more trust.  You are putting your child in the driver’s seat and they’ll understand that.

And the challenges are even greater for those with children returning from college or boomerang adults that moved out and now need to come back home.  The roles are different, the children have been independent and haven’t had mom and dad breathing down their necks.  Young adults might spend more time in their rooms, but it’s not personal.  And they won’t become anti-social.  They probably have better social lives than us parents, albeit virtual.  When they return, it’s best to establish new boundaries and house rules, much like you would with a roommate.   Space and privacy rights change. For both parties. Other items to consider are housekeeping, having guests, and shared expenses.

While the adult children are living at home, now is a good time to teach them about retirement planning, emergency planning, and future home management. Build up credit, pay off debt, work toward the future.  Parents can do all this in the consultant role.  We can still teach, we just don’t own making it happen.

Helping Them be Independent

As children become adults, one way to manage the changes is to have a conversation with your child about what they want. Do they want to be dependent or independent?  They should be thinking about their lives in these terms.  And probably earlier than 18.  (The answer should be independent).    Helping them to gain independence is our job, and sometimes it takes beyond the age of 18 for them to master that.   If necessary, inform your child that they are welcome to stay home with free room and board as long as they are working full time toward their future, be it college, career training, or a job.  In the end, our job as parents is to love our children unconditionally and provide a safety net for them.  Hopefully they won’t need it.  But if they do, at any age, as parents, we do the best we can to help them.  And we always establish a timeline.  They can’t live with us forever…they need a life…and we need to fully experience retirement.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash