Let’s be real, we as a society are far from being comfortable talking about mental illness. Even celebrities sharing their experience with mental health hasn’t helped with the stigma around mental illness. So how do we manage speaking with our children about mental illness, especially when it hits within your family?

In my case, I was locked up for a long weekend. My daughter knew that her father was taking me to the hospital, but didn’t really know what for and where I’d end up. I was asked if I wanted her to visit me. Of course I did. I wanted, needed, the comfort of those I love around me. I wanted to grab hold of those dear to me and never let go. But it wasn’t that easy.

My children were 17 and 18 at the time. One was away at college, the other very independently living at home. I knew that scientific literature said their frontal lobes wouldn’t be completely developed until about 21 for a girl and 25 for a boy. The frontal lobe is the part of the brain responsible for higher cognitive function like problem solving, judgement, rational decision making, and emotions. At 17 and 18, my children weren’t fully capable, or probably ready, to comprehend my medical situation or rationally able to make sound judgements about me and what it meant to them. But I also knew that my children loved me, were sensitive individuals who had compassion for others, and were caring. At times, they were protective of me, especially my eldest. My gut reaction however was that as much as I wanted and needed to hold them, that I did not want them to see me in a mental institute, surrounded by other suffering people, thinking that I may never be the same. And I wasn’t sure if this would change their view of me. Would they think I was weak? Broken?

Ultimately, my confusion, fear, and knowing that I wasn’t mentally ill had me agreeing to have my daughter visit me. I knew I needed more people to advocate for me, to see me in my right mind (as I’d always been). Looking back, maybe this was selfish, but I was locked in a prison, against my will, unclear how it happened or why, and needed help getting out. I still don’t know if this was the right decision.

Communicating mental illness in a parent, to children, should be done based on their age and their ability to understand the information they are given. You don’t want to scare your child by telling them their parent is “crazy” or “will never be the same” or “say goodbye to your mother”. Children of all ages need to feel secure. I don’t believe that children should be lied to, but I do feel it’s acceptable to limit the full story they’re given based on their maturity. In my case, my children were old enough to know most of the details, although I didn’t provide them. Still in their teens, it wasn’t surprising that they would have questions about if they could “get this” or what this meant to them. And as teens, it wouldn’t be surprising to hear them worry about what their peers might think. Many teens would likely want to keep secret the fact that their parent was in a mental institute. Today’s kids are likely to research online and develop their own prognosis, accurate or not. So it’s imperative that they receive accurate information from the patient or the spouse. Hopefully, children will have this as an opportunity to learn compassion and kindness.

As a patient, it’s difficult to share your illness with your children. It’s hard to admit that you aren’t well, that you might not be yourself, or that you might not be home for a while. I believe giving them enough information to be prepared for now and the next steps is important to let them know what to expect and avoid surprises. I’d like to say that it won’t change things, but you should be prepared to accept that it won’t be the same. Once you’ve been diagnosed with a mental illness, it’s much like a cancer diagnosis, things will never be the same. The sooner you accept that, the better. This doesn’t mean that it will be worse, but it will be different. It may help to maintain contact with your children frequently so you don’t lose touch or build walls between you. As a patient, keep an open dialogue about your illness, don’t let children be overly influenced by others opinions and counter any information that creates worry or fear.

Spouses play an important role in helping to communicate, set expectations, provide emotional support, and continue to keep the family centered. Spouses should be sure to deliver a consistent message, one that includes informing children that we will continue to love the other parent, be supportive, come together as a family to help them heal, and love them all we can. Spouses shouldn’t scare the kids but rather offer them hope. They should be the ones to model kindness, empathy, loyalty, care. Mental illness is a difficult subject, so spouses can go a long way to keeping their children emotionally centered by not making this personal. Talk about the illness, not the person, because no one chooses to be mentally ill. We don’t do this to ourselves, it’s done to us. Unfortunately spouses are the front line, ultimately responsible for speaking about the unspeakable. While the patient recovers, spouses keep the family together, it falls on them to set the tone and influence the outcome, so they need to get it right, or they can create an unstable family environment. Some spouses probably just aren’t capable and mental health patients bear the brunt of that as well.

Photo by David Todd McCarty on Unsplash

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Nikita@dontreleaseme.com