#11: Sisters

“There is a feeling of disbelief that comes over you, that takes over, and you kind of go through the motions. You do what you’re supposed to do, but in fact you’re not there at all.” ~ Frederick Barthelme

September 2, 2017
Nikita’s Parents’ Residence

When I woke up Saturday morning my first thought was, “Crap, my life still sucks”. It might have been a gorgeous day outside, but to me everything felt gray. The house was quiet as my sisters and parents slept. I took advantage of the quiet and went for a walk. Being away from work, I should have had tons of time on my hands, but it felt like I was just moving from one crisis situation to another. I was mentally and emotionally stressed about all the changes in my life. I had a lot of nervous energy since I hadn’t been very physically active. Exercise was the way to calm myself.

I was feeling stuck. It felt like I was slogging through mud and the more I slogged, the heavier my boots got, the slower I moved, the more effort I had to put forth to move myself forward. I’d never felt like this. I am a person who tackled my problems head on, and fixed them immediately. I am a doer, but I felt stifled. I really thought the issue was mine in that I was the one put in the hospital. And I needed to get myself back to normal to get life back to normal. I didn’t see how my family could help me directly with that. Yes, my family cared and were supportive, which was helpful, but the way they expressed it was more about interfering and meddling. I felt like they were all colluding against me in some way. I didn’t trust any of them. So to appease them, I would see a psychiatrist, knowing it was unnecessary. But that’s a sacrifice I would make to get everyone off my back, although I had a sense my problems weren’t solved so easily. So I found myself spending more time walking, hiking, and thinking. It was nice to be away from the chaos, the plotting, the looks, and the embarrassment that I was the “problem”.

I found that my sisters didn’t get up until much later than me, which afforded me some private time in the house and the ability to escape without them trying to tag along. It wasn’t that difficult to do given their sleep schedules and the fact that my older sisters weren’t too keen on exercise, like I was. When they did try to accompany me on walks, they struggled to keep up with my stride. While I was a fast walker, I intentionally did not slow down for them to dissuade them from coming the next time. They were each left huffing and puffing to keep up, and just couldn’t do it. It was my revenge for their attempts at following me everywhere.

This particular morning was beautiful weather. Sunny and warm, but still crisp early in the morning. I really enjoyed my time with the outdoors and nature before I had the harsh reality of returning to my parent’s house for a shower. Taking a long warm shower I noticed again what I thought was a lump under my breast. I know Wayne thought it wasn’t, but it seemed weird that I would keep noticing this even though he couldn’t feel it.

When I got out of the shower Agatha was up and standing in the hallway in her bathrobe. She could easily pass for somewhere near my age, although she was many years my senior. It struck me that she was looking good for being in her 60’s. While her thick, straight, shoulder-length hair was almost fully gray, she had few wrinkles. Being a little chubby most of her life probably filled out her face, contributing to the younger look. She still had thick, long, dark lashes and her eyes twinkled when she smiled. It gave her a youthful look.

We really didn’t look alike, my sisters and I. Scarlett was the shortest of us at only 5’3”. She had long legs that she showed off to their best advantage. She was small breasted. She tended to put on weight which gravitated directly to her stomach area. Somewhat self-conscious, but not entirely vain, she had undergone a tummy tuck a few years earlier and looked more proportional. Her eyes were more almond shaped like mine, while Agatha had more round eyes. Born with thin, curly blonde hair, Scarlett was changing her look frequently. She tried to follow the current fashion trends whereas Agatha didn’t concern herself with fashion.

I was the tallest of the group at 5’6” and the thinnest. I took pride in keeping thin and my weight hadn’t fluctuated but maybe 5 pounds since high school. I tended to carry my extra pounds in my butt. I was interested in fashion trends like Scarlett, but wasn’t one to change my hair. I liked a more traditional look with long, straight hair.

People who knew the three of us probably labeled us. Agatha is the serious thinker (kind, logical, low key). Scarlett is the party girl (social, attention seeking, fun). I am the empath (relatable, a listener, understanding). We were so different and yet when trouble struck, we were there for each other. As annoying as that could be.

Agatha asked me how my walk went. I told her it was nice. I asked her to check the lump that I felt. I put her hand where I felt it, but she said she couldn’t feel anything and it was probably just my rib. The same comment that Wayne had made. I was feeling off keel lately. Neither of them could feel anything. In my sensitive frame of mind, I could picture the two of them talking about how paranoid I was. Admittedly a long weekend in a loony bin might have some debilitating effects on a person’s mental faculties. Maybe they just couldn’t feel it because it was under the skin. I really did think something was off though.

When I saw Scarlett in the kitchen I put forth the suggestion that she return home, assuring her that her family and job needed her more than I did, and that I would be fine. Perhaps she believed I would be fine, or she realized that the intervention was the best they could do, or maybe she realized I wasn’t going to that recovery farm in Tennessee. Regardless the reason, she admitted she should probably go home and she made plans to leave in the next hour or two.

As Scarlett was gathering her things to leave, I could hear her talking with Agatha. I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but the gist of what I heard was concern that I was the executor of my parents’ estate, and they weren’t sure I should be, now that I was crazy. They alluded to the fact that it was too much stress, and that I might not be able to take on those duties if the time came. Kindly, Agatha suggested that perhaps as she was #2 in line for the job, that she be promoted. She mentioned talking with my parents about that directly. I didn’t hear Scarlett’s reply, but assumed they both thought I’d be too crazy to care for my parents. I shouldn’t have been surprised at the move by Agatha to take over. Being the oldest she had always been annoyed by me being in charge of the estate for my parents. She had been angling for the top dog position for a while.

I’d like to think that Scarlett’s leaving was due to my stellar logic and persuasion but I’m sure it was a strategic decision discussed amongst them. I expect my parents advocated for me. I’m sure that Scarlett got the pass to leave given Agatha was retired and didn’t have a job to return to. She was probably relegated to stay and help babysit. Scarlett really had little choice. She couldn’t jeopardize her new job.

Photo by Hunter Folsom on Unsplash