The day before Thanksgiving, Ben arrived.  We would celebrate both: Thanksgiving and Alex’s birthday. With Ben busy at school, I knew he didn’t have a gift for Alex, so I offered to go shopping with him.  Since he puts all of his time into sports and doesn’t work, Wayne and I fund his birthday gifts for Alex.  I really wanted to spend time with him as I hadn’t seen him in quite a while.  It was a perfect time for us to talk privately. I wanted to see how he was feeling about my situation and to check in with him on school.  But I couldn’t get him to talk. He said Wayne had explained everything and he was fine.  I didn’t want to press the issue too much, knowing our time with Ben was limited.  We only had a few days and making waves might change the mood.  I really needed a nice holiday.  I felt that our family needed some calm to heal and I wanted to soak up every moment of my time with the children and Wayne.  So I never did have a direct conversation with Ben about my long weekend or recovery.

When I think back to Thanksgiving, I think of it as the first of many firsts.  It was the start of a lot of changes for my family holiday.  Traditionally we hosted Thanksgiving at our home.  My parents, my family, and my brother’s family would all spend it together.  Normally, Wayne and I would do all of the cooking together.  When we weren’t cooking we’d all be watching the football games on TV.  This year it would just be the four of us. This was also the first time I would physically see Ben since “the long weekend”.  And this was the first time I wasn’t sleeping in my own bed the night before Thanksgiving.

Our holiday this year was a quiet, somber day, with just the four of us.  Wayne did all of the cooking except for the mashed potatoes – that was Ben’s specialty. Wayne was insistent that he did not need (or want?) my help preparing dinner.  I’m not one to sit idly by and do nothing, so I stayed busy around the house.  The only work done on the landscaping was by me when I visited.  I was the only one doing anything around the house.  Inside and outside.  This day I had plenty of time to mow the lawn, rake leaves, pick up dog mess, prune trees and straighten up.  Not what I would have wanted for Thanksgiving, but I liked to keep busy.

My children were very caring.  Always asking me what they could do for me. As I was laboring in the backyard, both kids pitched in.  We laughed and smiled at each other.  It was a nice moment to have my kid’s carry some of my weight, and they really showed up as the children I raised.

I even had time for a nap between landscaping and turkey dinner. Wayne woke me up when it was time to eat.

I took the opportunity to ask him, “When can I come home? I miss you, I miss my family. This is where I should be. I want to be home!”

He asked, “Have you been seeing the talk therapist on a regular basis?”

I said, “Yes.”

So, I asked again, “When can I come home?”

Wayne said, “Maybe on Sunday.”

I was disappointed in his answer.  That meant that I had to sleep at my parents Thanksgiving night, Black Friday, and Saturday.  I wish I’d demanded that he let me move back home that night, but I didn’t want a fight with Wayne when things were starting to settle down.  And I certainly didn’t want to create any upset while both kids were home and put a bad light on the holiday.

This was still great news. My husband was letting me come back home! I was excited. This was just the beginning. In just three days I would have my life back.  Three days gave me the chance to get my things packed up, clean the room for my parents, and get them squared away since they were used to me taking care of them on a daily basis.  I could wait. Time would go by quickly with the Ben in town and preparations to make.  I was so excited. Life was going to be normal again! I started thinking about our daily routine. How things would go back to normal.

I yearned for the hustle of our daily lives.  The routine of getting up for work each day and cooking meals together as a family. Weekly grocery shopping with Wayne.  Drinks out with friends at local restaurant pubs. Weekends doing landscaping or hiking with the dog until Wayne got up at 10. The romance, the hand-holding, the kisses and hugs. Saying I love you incessantly.  That was the life I was missing.

I thought out even further.  Our kids were grown. With the last one in high school, we didn’t have to preach about homework. We didn’t have to sit down at the beginning of the week to discuss schedules, monies, and parental support needs.  We could now focus on our lives and have more time for each other.

I never put much thought into what was magical about Sunday and what the difference would be in waiting a few days, but Sunday was here, and I was excited.  This was the day I moved back home!

I got up early that morning and started packing.  Wayne was picking me up soon, but I would have him circle back to get my things after the airport.  We didn’t need to take it with us.  With his help, it would only take a few minutes to grab all my stuff on our return.

When I saw Wayne that morning, I could see that twinkle in his eye.  He looked so loving and caring as I got into the car.  I was really excited for later today.

Dropping Ben off at the airport, I felt like we were finally getting things back to where they were.  Wayne was kind and caring, and we felt like a loving couple again, sending our son back to college.  We were driving back home when I mentioned to Wayne that I was all packed and we could just grab my stuff on the way home.

“Wayne, I’m so happy to get our family back together. I love you. I want to be with you. I’m all packed and ready to come home.  We can just grab my stuff on our way home. “

“Nikita, I’ve been thinking about that.  We need more time.  You’re doing so well right now.  Staying with your parents has been really good for you to get the rest you need. It also gives you less to worry about and take responsibility for. You just went back to work. You need time to adjust to the added stress from working.  You know if you come home you’ll immediately start doing everything for Alex and me.  You seem more calm and contented being with them. Now isn’t the right time for you,” he said to me.  I saw the love in his face and the caring in his tone, but the words left me cold.

I was devastated. He twisted the conversation around to the added stress of work and how rested and relaxed I was being away from the pressures of our home.  So now this wasn’t about my being crazy, but me needing more rest and managing stress.  He sounded so caring. I was thankful that he wasn’t mad at me and that he really cared for my well-being.  So of course I told him it was fine as I didn’t want to upset him.

I didn’t like his decision, but I resolved to accept it.  I would take this opportunity to jump back into work, prove myself, show the company that I was dedicated and capable, and make progress on my career.  Focusing on my work was just the distraction I needed from my stalled marriage.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

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Nikita@dontreleaseme.com

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