The one thing I can say that has never failed me, is my memory.  Some women can remember the exact outfit they were wearing at a given event or important moment of their life, but my mind organizes every event into dates and days of the week.  Quite often I can tell you not just the date of a dentist appointment but the fact that it was also on a Tuesday, for instance.   Dates seem to be the key to my systematic logging of information into my brain.

On the drive home from my doctor’s appointment I kept thinking about her comment that I didn’t have a mammogram done in 2016. Or in the last 10 years! That was so ridiculous.  Clearly they lost the records in their system or she didn’t even look for them.  I had a mammogram on Tuesday, December 6, 2016. I distinctly recall they offered me a radiology appointment in a different location than I normally go to.

I knew I was right, and I wanted to prove it to myself as much as anyone else. I immediately headed home intent on doing that.  I just had to locate the paperwork that would vindicate me.

As I drove up to the house, I saw Wayne’s was home from work, as his car was in the driveway.   I parked my car a little haphazardly and jumped out quickly.  Slamming the car door shut, I speed-walked up the walkway, and burst into the house, slamming the door closed in my rush.  Wayne was watching TV and I said a distracted “Hello”, as I raced by him, and dashed down the hallway to our bedroom.

Wayne called out to me, “Hey, what’s wrong? You look frazzled.”

“Nothing”, I yelled back in reply from the hallway.

I entered our bedroom and hurriedly started going through paperwork, searching through my filing system trying to locate my health insurance ‘Explanation of Benefits’ forms from last year.  As I flipped through papers, I tossed them aside into a pile, plowing through my files.   I was looking for the EOB that showed I had a mammogram last year.  Being the paperwork administrator for our family, it wasn’t a quick.  My organization system was becoming messy as I dug through documents, reviewing each EOB, and moving to the next.

Continuing to dig, I heard Wayne walking down the hallway to the bedroom door.  I looked over to see him standing in the doorway, staring at me with confusion (or maybe concern), as he perused the mess of paperwork I had made.  I was determined to resolve the mystery of the missing mammogram, and looked back at what I was doing, ignoring him,

He asked again, “What’s the matter? Why are you acting like this?  You’re supposed to stay calm. Talk to me.” He wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but he was worried as I rummaged through papers. It wasn’t like me to make a mess. I was methodical and orderly.

From over my shoulder, I replied, “I’m looking for some paperwork that I left in my stuff.  I just need to find it right now. I can’t find an EOB.  Did you take my papers when you cleaned up my work papers?  Are there papers somewhere else that you’re hiding? Did you throw stuff away?  I really need to find my papers.” I was talking fast because I was frustrated and determined.

Wayne was defensive, “I don’t have your EOBs. I didn’t take them.”  He put the issue back on me. “Why are you being so manic about this?”

The word “manic” was like a bullet to my brain. It completely stalled me for a moment.  How could he?”

My attention focused on sorting through my papers, I muttered, “I’m right. I know I’m right. I need to prove something.”

“Nikita. You really need to calm down.  Did something happen today?  I can help you look, if I know what you’re looking for.” This was Wayne in his negotiator mode talking me off the cliff.

And I found it.  I found my EOB.  It clearly showed that I had a mammogram a year ago.  Yes, this was about me proving the doctor wrong, but it was more than that.  I felt vindicated that I was remembering things correctly, that I wasn’t losing my mind. If this was mania, then satisfaction was my Lithium.  I felt a little stronger, a little more sure.  It was a victory!!!

Looking at my proof, I wondered. Why would she say that I hadn’t had a mammogram in 10 years? That was so odd.  And why didn’t she see the one last year – which my insurance paid for?

As I thought back on the last mammogram, I could recall talking to the doctor about the results.  I remembered it was after I talked with my friend, Gwen, eleven months ago, about this very thing.

January 2017 – Call with Gwen

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I collect people.  I am very outgoing and friendly so people tend to respond to that. Once you’re in my heart, you stay there.  Once you come into my life, we’re connected by a bond that I hate to break.  I’ve come to think a large part of my need to keep in touch with everyone is due to a fear of change. I don’t want people to move in and out of my life. Some people would say that people come into your life for a reason and when that’s gone, they move out.  I don’t let that happen very often. I reach out to people.  And on this day, I reached out to Gwen, a prior coworker and friend for many years.

I hadn’t heard from her in a while, which wasn’t alarming. She was busy doing her thing, and I was busy doing mine. I decided to call her and see how things were going.  In my usual fashion, I texted her to see if she was available to talk and we set up a time.

We spent a few minutes chatting about the holidays and updates on our children.

“This week just doing kid stuff and getting a mammogram done. I was getting my doctor appointments out of the way, since it’s the beginning of the year. Nothing else exciting going on here”, Gwen said. “How about you?”

“Same stuff.  Ben came home from college at Christmas. Alex is working hard her junior year”, I said.  “I like to get my annual health checks in December. The company has the requirement for basic screening before the next year’s insurance kicks in. I get my annual exams and tests done at the same time, end of the year, to save time.  Plus that that way I never forget to have an annual exam”, I replied.

“I wasn’t that organized when I was there.  This year the clinic offered me the regular mammogram or they said I could have a ‘digital’ one. I had no idea what that was, but it was an extra 10 mile drive and I had no idea if it was covered by insurance.  Radiology said I have dense breasts and it might give a better reading”, Gwen stated.

“I have dense breasts too, but they haven’t offered me that option before. In December I had the regular mammogram.  I guess the test was fine because I didn’t get a call back.

Gwen said, “My clinic usually sends me something in the mail, saying that my tests were normal.  Or they send me an electronic notice to my healthcare online account.” She sounded curious.

I nonchalantly replied, “Yes, I should have received something. Hmm. I’ll have to double check.”

As I thought about it further, I said, “I’m sure they’d be on the phone immediately if there was a problem. You know, doctors get worried about possible malpractice.” I wasn’t concerned. I brushed it off.

Gwen asked how work was going.

“Oh, it’s alright.  Roshni has me cross-training a new guy in the Texas office. We do different parts of the same overall function, so maybe this is really about having backup support if one of us it out, but I think it’s more likely she wants to consolidate the work in Texas, where she is.  I think it’s more a case of me transferring my knowledge to them.  He’s new to the company, so it will take him a long time to get up to speed.  I am the only person left in the company to do this because everyone else was spun off. Roshni’s staff in Texas do very different work than me, and they probably don’t even want my work.”

Gwen knew what I was talking about, having worked at the same company.  She said, “Your expertise is limited within the company.  They’d have to look to another organization to maybe find someone to do what you do.  Maybe they just want to get you backup support in case you’re out sick?  Or maybe they want to take on more in your space.  With all the changes going on in the company, all the management is looking to land grab.”

“It’s more likely they’ll try and consolidate the work with the locals in Texas and leave me in the cold.  I’ve been focused on doing my best to not give them an excuse to eliminate me.”

January 2017 – Call with the Doctor

I immediately made ‘that’ call to my doctor’s office to find out about my test results.  I got the doctor on the phone and asked about the mammogram results.  I told her that I had not received the results of the mammogram I took in December 2016 and was wondering if she had the results available.  I hadn’t received a call or a letter in the mail.

Her reply was, “Oh, I’m sure it’s fine. You’ve got dense breasts, so the imaging isn’t always clear.” She was very nonchalant and didn’t offer any reason for not contacting me earlier.

I recall being a little confused by her casual reply about the imaging not always being clear.  I wasn’t really sure what that meant, but didn’t think to ask questions, and just accepted it.  She didn’t have anything else to say, so I took that to mean that the test results were normal, and checked it off my “To Do” list.

Hindsight being what it is, I look back now and think of what I should have done differently.  First, I should have paid attention to the fact that I didn’t get results, either verbally or in writing, after the test.  And when I did get a response from the doctor, I should have gotten a copy of those results for my records and I should have asked more questions.  I should have demanded clarity on her comment regarding dense breasts.  I wasn’t clear on whether the mammogram was useless and the results inconclusive, but at the time, I was too lazy to delve into it further.

While I am a fierce medical advocate for my family, I clearly failed myself. Too often we rely on the word of professionals, be it doctors or lawyers, assuming their credentials endow them with some super powers the rest of us lack.  By putting our trust in those with credentials, we risk not seeing them for who they really are – fallible human beings. It is our role to challenge their knowledge and thinking processes as much as any other person we interface with.  Too often we question our own thinking and knowledge because there is this boundary between the “mere mortals” and the “professionals”.

Being honest with myself, I have to take accountability. I let this happen.  I feel that I am more accountable than anyone else in my life and this was a reflection of me as a person.  No one is brave enough or strong enough as I am, to say they are wrong. I wish I had done things differently.

The second thing I should have done was show the doctor my EOB – showing my mammogram the year prior.  I should have escalated the issue that they seemed to have lost my records.  If they lost my records, they must have lost others as well.  I had heard there was a computer system conversion during that time period, so many people could have lost their information in the process. Since I had nothing in writing about the results of the mammogram, I really have no proof of either: a) I had cancer/anomalies when they took the mammogram and they missed it, or b) I was entirely clear and had no evidence of cancer.  I was left to wonder if this ticking time bomb could have been identified earlier or if it was just very aggressive. How long did I have this disease in my system?

Proving that I had a mammogram the prior year was cold comfort.  I would forever be tortured by not knowing if the prior year test results would have changed my trajectory.

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Nikita@dontreleaseme.com

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